Submission: Guilty Pleasures #3 Read online

  “There are some things I want to ask about, that I’m confused about...things that don’t make sense.” I hesitated, not wanting to mention Jane, helpless not to.

  “It’s about Jane...about your time with her.”

  There was silence on the other end of the line. Then I heard Jake sigh.

  “We’ve been through this, haven’t we, Abby? I don’t know what else I can tell you. But I’ll be home in an hour.”

  Jake was waiting beneath the portico, in white shirt and dress slacks, his tie gone. I was used to seeing him like this, home after work, but the relaxed sexiness I had come to expect was gone, replaced with a tense wariness. He brushed his lips across my cheek, the warmth of his hand briefly on my back.

  I was curious which door he’d lead me through; up to the tower room, where we’d had our session, or into the main house. My guess was on the tower, but he surprised me, taking me to the small room where he’d given me the massage, the room where we first made love, on a big rug in front of the fire.

  The rug was still there but there was no fire burning tonight. There were no candles or scented oil.

  “Can I get you something to drink? Soda, wine?”

  Jake had picked up a glass from the coffee table, bourbon by the color and smell.

  I nodded. “Wine would be nice.”

  I stood by the windows, looking out over the broad expanse of well-manicured lawn, the trees casting long shadows in the twilight. I felt Jake brush against me and I turned, taking the glass of wine he held.

  “How have you been, Abby? I’ve missed you...missed our sessions.”

  “I’ve missed our sessions too, Jake. And I miss you.”

  “Then why aren’t we together?” He was watching me closely.

  “You’re still seeing Chase, aren’t you?”

  I shook my head. “I didn’t come here to talk about Chase.”

  Jake looked at me for a long time, finally taking a swallow of his drink. “Right. You wanted to talk about Jane. I guess Chase is a forbidden subject between us.”

  I turned from the window, walking past Jake, sitting down on the sofa. “Talking about Chase with you...doesn’t help me. That’s not why I’m here.”

  Jake stood by the windows a moment longer before sitting down on the other end of the sofa.

  “Okay. You said you had questions. What do you want to know? What more can I tell you? Being with Jane...having her leave...was one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. But I’ll go through it all again, if it helps you, Abby. If it gets us out of this limbo and gets Chase Mitchell out of your life.”

  “Jake, all I’m asking for is the truth. Honesty.”

  “I gave you that. I told you everything.” He tossed back the rest of his drink, emptying the glass.

  I took a deep breath; it was now or never. “Jake, I talked to Jane.”

  There was a long moment of silence. I watched Jake’s face, watched the emotions play across is beautiful features: shock, confusion...finally resolving into anger.

  In one startling movement, he flung his empty glass into the fireplace. It exploded in a shower of crystal shards. I tensed on the couch, holding my breath, afraid to move.

  He finally turned to me, his blue eyes like ice. I felt goose bumps rise on my arms.

  “You talked to Jane?” His voice was cold.

  “How did you find her?”

  My voice was shaking. I swallowed, struggling for control. “Someone at Chase’s club knew who she was...how to find her. She’s never left Houston. She’s been here the entire time, working at a bar on 12th Street.” I went on before I lost confidence.

  “She said you never tried to find her.”

  He stood, walking to the windows, resting one hand on the glass, not looking at me. “And you believe her? You believe Jane?”

  “Jake, did you look for her? Or did you just tell me that because it’s what you thought I’d want to hear?”

  His fingers tapped sharply against the glass. I looked at the shards of crystal on the carpet, winking in the dim light. There was a long pause before he spoke, his voice hollow.

  “I didn’t look for her.” He turned away from the darkening window, looking at me, pain in his eyes. “I didn’t want to find her.

  “I didn’t care.”

  I realized I’d been holding my breath. “You could have told me that, Jake. It would have been the truth. Don’t you think, after all we’ve gone through, that you could have told me the truth? Nothing else matters but the truth.” I didn’t recognize my own voice; it had gone high and thin.

  “Abby, when I told you about Jane, all I could think about was losing you, the way I’d lost her. If I had told you everything...that I hadn’t bothered to look for her...admit that I didn’t care enough about her to go look for her...it would have driven you away. I’d hurt you with what that revelation.”

  He sank into in the leather chair by the fireplace, the anger draining out of him, elbows on his knees, running his hands through his hair.

  “I’m losing you anyway, now that you know the truth.” His voice was muffled, his head down.

  I left the couch, kneeling next to his chair, resting my hands on his knee. I felt the tension in his body. “No, you can’t lose me with the truth.

  “But you can lose me if you’re not honest.”

  He lifted his head, meeting my gaze, reaching out to touch my face. I flinched and he pulled his hand back.

  “And now I’ve scared you.” He shook his head. “This is why I try so hard to control my emotions, my anger. I lose control and things get destroyed...people get hurt.”

  “Jake, this is hard, for both of us. It’s been a long time since you’ve thought about Jane, and everything that happened with her. And then I make you bring all that back to the surface...it has to be hard to deal with. I can’t blame you for how you feel, your emotional reaction to things. They’re part of who you are.” I reached out slowly, touching the back of his hand.

  “But you have to know why I’ve done this, don’t you? It’s not just on a whim. I think you know ... I hope you do...how important this is to our relationship.”

  Jake nodded, his fingers softly tracing patterns across the back of my hand.

  “I know. I understand. That doesn’t mean it’s easy.” His voice was soft, eyes downcast.

  “This isn’t how I expected our relationship to turn out.” I laughed, a faint sound in the quiet room. Jake looked up, gave me a puzzled look.

  “I thought being a submissive was going to be the complicated part. That was the relationship I was having a hard time wrapping my head around. Compared to what’s happening with me...with us now...that was the easy part.”

  Jake returned my smile, taking my hand. I let him hold my fingers to his lips, let him kiss each one.

  “What can I say? You can’t help who you fall in love with. I think I fell in love with you the first time I saw you.”

  His smiled deepened, reaching his eyes, the sadness and pain retreating for a moment. “At the bar, the night we first met. The minute you walked in, I was awestruck, frozen where I stood, just looking at you. You took my breath away. And you almost got away before I managed to get control of myself.

  “It took me seeing you with Chase to know the depth of that feeling, how much you meant to me. How much I loved you. And how much I stood to lose. But it’s too late now, isn’t it? To get back to that place?”

  I shook my head. “Jake, I don’t know. Truly. Everything inside of me is so confused, nothing makes any sense some days. I love you, but...” I didn’t need to finish the thought; he knew I meant Chase. Knew that Chase loved me and I’d fallen in love with Chase as well.

  “I do love you, Jake. We wouldn’t be here if I didn’t. Everything just got out of control.”

  My fear had receded. The Jake I knew, warm, gentle Jake, was in front of me, his eyes searching my face. He leaned down, kissing me softly.

  The touch of his lips sent a thrill through
me. I wanted the comfort of his arms, the security I felt with him. Even for a moment, even if it might be the last time.

  I made a tiny noise, somewhere between a whimper and a moan. Jake broke our kiss, standing, pulling me gently up from the floor. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me against his chest.

  “Stay with me tonight, Abby. Please. I want you so badly, even if I’m...if this isn’t the relationship you want. Let me have one more night with you...please.”

  The need was evident in Jake’s voice and in his eyes. And it was in me as well.

  I pulled him to me, holding his face in my hands.

  “Yes. I’ll stay. For tonight.”

  Jake took me upstairs to his bedroom, where he’d first told me he loved me, where he’d first broken the rules he’d established for our dominant submissive relationship.

  He turned on a small lamp, casting the room in a soft glow. He turned to me, pulling me against him again, his kiss tentative, his lips seeking answers to questions I couldn’t provide.

  My fingers found the buttons on his shirt, undoing them slowly, my hands sliding beneath the soft material, fingers on his skin. The warmth of his body, his scent...that deeply masculine scent that belonged to him and him alone, washed over me. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply, the familiar sense of security washing over me.

  Jake held my face briefly, looking down at me. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “You take my breath away...still. Always. I love you, Abby.”

  His kiss was passionate, urgent, no longer questioning but claiming my mouth. I opened up to him, our tongues meeting, dancing, exciting me, starting a fire deep within me.

  Jake’s hands moved down my shoulders, sliding slowly down to undo the buttons on my blouse. I broke our kiss, watching as he slid the fabric away from my body, his hands moving over my breasts. I moaned softly, an answering sound coming from Jake.

  I met his eyes, the depths of his passion reflecting mine. I wanted him then, desperately, wanted his strength, his solidness like an anchor in this storm I’d put us all in.

  “Jake...I love you, too.” It was that simple. And in that moment, very clear.

  Our hands worked feverishly then, pulling at buttons and zippers, clothes dropping to the floor. I looked down, watching Jake’s hands as they squeezed my breasts, sending waves of heat that coalesced deep inside me, a resounding thump of arousal making me gasp with pleasure.

  “Oh, Jake...I’ve missed this.”

  “I’ve missed this, too...and you, Abby. It’s been so hard without you.” His mouth came down on mine again, all of our pent up longing expressed in that kiss.

  His body was pressed against mine, his erection against my stomach, hard and insistent. I wrapped my fingers around him, stroking him slowly as he thrust his hips forward against my hand. I felt him moan against my mouth, the sound full of the longing I felt as well.

  We moved together to the bed, not letting go of each other. I felt the mattress against the backs of my legs, Jake wrapping an arm around my back as he lowered me gently to the bed.

  There was no hesitation between us then. We moved together as one, our bodies melding, swirling together, exploring each other as if for the first time, reveling in what seemed like uncharted territory.

  Finally Jake entered me, filling me completely, sliding himself gently into my body. I accepted him the same way, letting our bodies learn again what this coming together felt like.

  He held himself still inside me, both of us savoring the pleasure of just being together, of being connected again. I watched his face, felt the emotion flowing between us, his eyes mirrors of mine.

  Jake began moving, slowly, the delicious friction of him sliding against of me building to a rapid crescendo. We were locked together, riding out the waves of passion and pleasure that coursed through our bodies, coming together, sharing the experience until the very end.

  He held me then, wrapped in his arms, against his chest. I fell deeply asleep listening to Jake breathing, to the sound of his heartbeat, secure and safe.

  I woke sometime during the night. Jake was turned away from me, clutching a pillow to his chest. I watched him sleep, the light from the moon casting silver shadows over his face.

  Curled against his back, I felt the gentle movement of his body in sleep. I slipped my arm around his chest, sliding it beneath the pillow. In his sleep, he pushed the pillow away, holding my hand, murmuring something that sounded like my name.

  I drifted back to sleep, wondering what I’d just done. I loved Jake. But was that enough.

  I’d come back from a long-overdue trip to the store late Saturday afternoon, laden with cat food and treats for the Big Guy to try to quell the guilt I felt for ignoring the cat, to find a message from Chase on my answering machine. He wanted to know how I was...and, as usual, where I was...and would I call him.

  I thought about it for a long time. My skin still tingled from being with Jake, the memory of his body against mine. My body’s response.

  But there were things I needed to know from Chase, questions I wanted answered. I felt like I was going into battle. And I didn’t like that feeling.

  The phone rang several times before a breathless Chase answered.

  “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

  “Hell no, you could never catch me at a bad time. Just got out of the shower. I’m naked, dripping water all over the bedroom floor.”

  In spite of myself, I pictured Chase sans clothes, his skin glistening, hair damp. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried unsuccessfully to banish the image from my mind.

  “I got your message.” My voice sounded breathy.

  “I want to see you, but I wasn’t sure if you wanted to see me. I’m trying to give you space here.” His voice was low, that honeyed voice that did things to me.

  “But I miss you, Abby. I miss you very much.”

  “I know.”

  There was a pause and when Chase spoke his voice had a different tone. There was an edge to it...the one that I’d come to realize meant that he was angry.

  “Stacy said you and she had a little meeting. She wouldn’t tell me what you talked about, said she wasn’t playing middle man in my affairs.” He made a sound that could have been a laugh or sound of disgust.

  “I’d like to know what you talked about, if it concerns you and me.” His voice was tense.

  “I want to see you, Chase. When?” My voice was choked with emotion. I missed Chase, his warm smile, his arms around me. I closed my eyes again, overcome with longing, and the confusion that seemed a perpetual part of my life now.

  “You can come to the condo right now. Stacy can handle the club tonight. You’re more important to me at this point. You know that.”

  On the drive to Chase’s condo I tried to get my emotions under control. I knew, if he touched me, all I’d want to do would be to fall into that abyss with him, to try to forget the confusion in my head and the pain in my heart by the sheer physical intensity of sex with Chase.

  Spending the night with Jake may have been a mistake. I lost all objectivity, again, my emotions tangled...cloudy...when sex got involved. It was so easy to forget one when I was with the other. Each of them drew me, each in such vastly different ways, both with a force I found hard to resist.

  But I’m not cut out for this kind of emotional tug of war. And neither man was willing to share me. Something had to change; I had to make a decision.

  Because deep down I knew neither would wait forever for me to make my choice.

  But I needed to see Chase, if for no other reason than to see him one last time. I owed him that much.

  Chase met me at the door, dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his hair still damp. I longed to run my fingers through his hair, feel his arms around me. He reached for me, but I moved away.

  “No, Chase. Not yet.”

  “Why? Can’t I even kiss you?” He frowned at me.

  “What the hell, Abby? Am I suddenly a pariah?” He turned aw
ay, running his hands through his hair. He strode across the living room, pacing in front of the windows, the lights of the city spread out behind him.

  I followed him hesitantly, aching for his touch. Instead, I sat on one of the big cream sofas.

  “Chase, please. Sit with me. I want to talk.”

  He stood for a moment, facing the windows before sitting down next to me. He blew out a breath, turning to face me.

  “So it’s like this now? We’re going to have a civilized conversation, you’re going to tell me we’re through but we can still be friends?”

  “Yes...I mean, no. Yes, we’re going to have a civilized conversation; no, I didn’t come here to tell you we’re through.” I shook my head. Did I come here to tell him that?

  “Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. I want to ask you a question and I want an honest answer.”

  Chase raised an eyebrow. “I’ve been honest with you. Ask anything you want; I’ve got nothing left to hide.”

  I took a deep breath. “Have you been seeing other women while you were with me? I mean, after the first time at the club?”

  Chase’s mouth was a thin, tight line. I knew he was angry but there was no stopping me now.

  “Stacy said you’d have a different woman at the club every night.”

  “It’s interesting what Stacy decides to say these days.” He passed a hand over his eyes.

  “Yes, Abby. There have been other women. There were others after you came to the club with Jake, after you came back by yourself...there have been a lot of women.”

  His eyes were intense, focused on mine. “But not since the weekend we went to Paradise Ranch...not since the night I told you I wanted you with me.”

  He spread his hands on his thighs. “You think I’ve been cheating on you? Is that where this is headed?”

  “I don’t know, Chase. I’m trying to find answers. I’m so confused. And it’s hard.”

  I took a deep breath. “You didn’t think I should know? Or you just didn’t want to tell me?”

  His sudden laughter caught me off guard. “Abby, I’m trying real hard to be patient here. But considering the situation, you’re going to cross a line with me.”